Well I finally got my grading my students tests done this afternoon.   Still have two projects and another test to grade... hmmmm Hope to be done by Wednesday, although I don't have to be done until next Monday. 

 

Elizabeth, Katya and I went for a walk today.   It was beautiful and warm today.  Into the 80s, I think.  I got some great pictures of Katya feeding cows... will try to post them.

 

Went swimming tonight, first time in two weeks.  Felt pretty good by the end of the swim... pretty crappy when I started.  When I kicked, it was like I have not done any exercise with my legs.  Well I did walk all over campuses and walk/run through airports... hmmmm

 

Slept in this morning, it felt really great to be able to get back to sleep after waking up at sunrise.  

 

Hope that your day was good.  Love and kisses, Marilyn

My goal is to get the tests done... Two projects tomorrow and final exam on Tuesday.... Hope your day is good.  Love and kisses, Marilyn

DO NOT SCHEDULE THREE INTERVIEWS IN TWO WEEKS!  Esepically if you have to fly there.  I have been flitting over the East-ern Unite=d States and just the plane travel alone will get ya!!!!   Add to that three day long interviews and my goodness.  Tao called me superwoman... I don't feel like it now.   I feel drained.  A couple of days of sleep and I will be my usual bouyent (?) self.  

 

As usual I will lay out the positives and negatives here to help me process my decision... I think I like SC-AD the best because I have amazing financial support there for me to be able to continue my research.  They are better funded and I think would like my out there presenting my findings of my dissertation and then my future research.  I like the faculty and like the school facilities.  The big down side is the cost of living, the large size of the town, and hurricanes there.  

 

I really bonded with one of the faculty members in Mem-phis, and got along well with the rest of the interior design faculty, so feel that I could go there and be comfortable.  I put my foot in my mouth with the architec-tural faculty, but the interior design facutly appreicated what I had to say.  Memphis is inexpensive to live and have really cute houses in the historic neighborhoods, but the city is huge and the salery will probably be the least.  They have a great retirement plan.  

 

I had a little problem with the dean at Ba-ll Stat-e so do not think that would work out so well.  When I interupted her with input she said "let me finish."  hmmmm I have a tendency to get excited and interact more quickly than some people are used to... (make that interupt) oh well.  Shows me that not every where can put up with my energetic personality.  The faculty liked me and I liked them.  The facilities need some upgrading, but they are talking about moving or a new building or... or Having been around universities for a long time I know that they move at glacial speeds. 

 

I had the best interaction with a single student there.  (although the students at SC_AD were also energetic).  They had set up an hour to talk to the students and only one showed up (it was the last day of classes).  He really reminded me of my friend Jason.  We talked about his wanting to be a university teacher, his internship this summer, I suggested that he get a job for a couple of years before going back to school.  We also discussed philosophy and theory, the hour I had with students flew with this single student.  

 

In addition, for the first time I presented my findings of my dissertation.  There was one fa-mily and cons-umer sci-ence (the department we are in) instructor that got very upset with my assessment of the history of the profession of interior design relating it to Home Ec.  I felt that was good for me to hear what she had to say.  I know that what I am suggesting is going to really be hard for some people to digest, but I really feel it needs to be said.  Re-za apoligised for her outburst, but I thought that it was good for me.  I could take the criticism and respond to it positivily and without get upset myself.  I was firm, consistent... I guess I did pretty well because the interior design faculty were almost cheering by the end of my presentation, (I am a good speaker) but the one architect that teaches there had a stony contenance while I made my presentation.  Not sure where that came from (hmmm got the feeling she likes being the star of the department... might not be the lone one if I am hired... does that sound arrogant of me?)  Munc-ie I think is the cheapest place to live and I could be close to the country/nature, which I need.

 

I am concerned about the threat of tornados in Me-mphis and Ba-ll St-ate... there was a warning in the state while I was in Indiana.  I am used to living places where there are few tornados.  At least you know when a hurricane is coming.

 

So that is my preference... in the order listed.  I think that I could be comfortable in any of these places.  I would need to keep my big mouth shut in the last one.... ha or at least attempt to do that. 

 

As I say all of the time... only time will tell.  They may have found some other candidate that would fit in better, which is fine too.  I know I am going to find someplace where they love my energy and dedication to my profession.   

 

Love and kisses, Marilyn   

 

Oh I am having problems with my on off switch  on my computer so if I am off line for a couple of days it is because I am getting it replaced.  

Just got home... checked my email for first time in two days.  I think my interview went pretty well.  When I did my presentation of my research, I had a really negative responce by one faculty member to one of my new ideas for my dissertation.  It was interesting, I could respond to her negative comments, but she was really upset.  It reiterates how controversal some of this might be.  I think that I bonded more with the people from SC-AD and Memph-is.  I am really happy to be home and totally exhausted...  

 

Hope your day is good.  Love and kisses, Marilyn     

Sherry my new friend from the Carribean via a Texas university is interested in the interview process... Probably other freinds in grad school ar too.  I wrote about t this last year in February, but I am sitting at the airport, waiting for my flight to Chicago and this is the third trip in two weeks so I thought I could keep myself awake by sharing.  Yeah I am really tired... I don't recommend three inteviews in two weeks.  I feel as if my feet have not touched the ground, but not in a good way in an exhausting way. 

 

This is the fifth interview I have done in two years.  It is interesting because research intensive universities the process is totally different that in teaching institutions. 

 

Questions I have been asked:

 

Why this university?  Have an answer usually was I want to teach at a program that has graduate students.

Tell us about yourself (I have found that people are so busy they do not always read your CV.) so be prepared to talk about who you are and what is important to you about research/teaching depending on the university.  I looked up their faculty interests and tried to pitch to shared interests.

 

Both institutions and especially students were interesting in seeing student work.  Luckily I photographed my students work and could talk about the programs they used to produce that quality of work IE AutoC-AD, Sketchup,etc.  I did a pow-er poi-nt presentation.  I also showed some of my interior design work.  I only show the best work of mine and my students.  

 

Research institution:

What is your research interests... usually they have had me present my research, po- wer point.

I also presented who I was... as teacher, my extensive community service, and practitioner.  Not everyone has 25 years of experience in their field, but I am still insecutre about my lack of the following....   

Have you published?  No

Have you grants?  No

What are your plans to publish?  I could talk about this because I had researched the approperiate publications. 

What are your plans for getting grants? I could talk about this because I had researched the approperiate grants.

 

Teaching institution:

What is your teaching philosophy... present a typical class.  I did an interactive class because the students love it.

 

On my interview Tuesday... my colleague said this is like getting married to someone with only one day to get to know them.  We will be working together for the indefinate future and it needs to be a comfortable fit for everyone. 

 

Well my plane is taking off... so I will finish this later.  Love and kisses, Marilyn  

  

 

Home again for a few minutes before I head off to Ball State.  Last night my plane was cancelled so I didn't get home until this morning... got up at 5:45 and was at the airport by 6:30.  I left the ear rings my friend Kristine gave me a couple of weeks ago from Lativa... I told the van driver and when he made the next run he brought me my earrings... I was thrilled.   Good flight.  Class went well am hoping to take a nap before I head off to the pool.

 

I think my interview went well.  Only time will tell.  I really liked the Memphis area and the faculty there in the interior design program, so that was good.  I told the dean that I was dissappointed with the amount of money they could give... after all I will soon have Ph D.  The faculty were glad I said that.  It will be interesting to see if I get an offer, it should be pretty soon, if they do.  Again... only time will tell.  I think that I could be happy there or at SC-AD.  It will be interesting to see Ba-ll St-ate.  I was really surprised about the historic areas of Memphis.  Downtown is nice... It is a beautiful city. 

 

Hope your day is good, Love and kisses, Marilyn

 

 

Arrived in Memphis.  Good flight.  Had dinner with two of the faculty.  It was really nice.  Hope your day is great.  Marilyn 

I cannot believe I did this... but I felt compelled to share my experience.  I hope the media will stay away. 

My Dear Virg-inia Te-ch Family:

As a graduate student at Virg-inia Tech, I am compelled to share this with you because it may help you to continue your recovery from this tragic event.  At the age of 22, I was a participant in the 1972 Mun-ich Olym-pics.  During the night after I finished swimming eleven Israeli athletes were taken hostage at the Olym-pic Village.  Within twenty-four hours they were all dead – murdered by terrorists.  The whole world changed for me with that terrible event.  The shock, despair, and vulnerability I felt then, I feel now.  This event changed the world, changed me, and changed my view of the world.  I realized that it was not safe place to live.  And yet, I did not let my fear determine how I lived my life.

Intead of letting that fear close me in, some how it opened me up.  While I did not know it at the time, it framed how I was going to live the rest of my life.  My friends here have commented how open and loving I am.  I have just realized it this week that it is because of Munich.  I live everyday as if I or those around me might not be here tomorrow.  Therefore I live my life with gusto, cherish everyone, and every thing in my life. 

This living life to its fullest, does not need to change the world, although many of us will do that.  For me it starts with loving kindness everyday.  Some examples of this are:  I have always complimented my professors at VT when they did an especially good lecture what a wonderful class they just taught. Sometimes they look at me as if I am strange, but we seldom hear when we have done something well.   All we hear are the complaints.  In my mind, life is too short to be focused on the negative and always complaining about minutia.  

As a teacher, who has taught part time for twenty-fives, I am often told in student evaluation how supportive I am as a teacher – that I care about them as people.  That is not saying that I do not require a lot from these students, but I take time to listen and be empathetic.  I do this because life is too short to ignore people’s challenges in life.  We all have them.  In that way, I hope that I have made a difference in many lives.     

I have organized many activities for my graduate student friends.  We are such as diverse group and we cherish that diversity.  We come from at least ten countries and represent five different religions or even no religion.  We meet to discuss our research and dissertations to lessen our struggles by sharing them.  We get together often individually to talk, study, go for a walk, or share a meal as we share our lives.  We also get together as a group to celebrate every success no matter how small and we even had a sour grapes party last year when one of us faced a set back.  In four short years, these beautiful, smart young women have come to mean the world to me and I know that I have been a loving presence in their lives as an equal, a friend, confider, and confidant.   

People have commented my whole life that I am almost always smiling and friendly and that they miss my smile when I am gone.  That smile is not because I have not suffered, but because I cannot let my suffering take over my life.   And a smile always makes me and everyone around me feel better.  

The reason that I am writing is I want to assure you that life does go on.  I have lived a very full and loving life, I plan to live another thirty years celebrating all the little success, continue to be open to new friends, and new experiences along the way.  I would not let a group of terrorists define me at twenty-two and I will not let a single troubled gunman take anything away my wonderful experience at Virginia Tech at the age of fifty-six.  I will cherish my time and my friends here all the more because of April 16, 2007. 

Each of us has to find your own way to deal with this terrible loss.  I urge you if you are having problems to get counseling and talk about this with your friends.   We all need to process it.  I have shared with you my ways of coping.  I got beyond the pain and filled my life with things to celebrate to bring my friends and me closer together in our shared humanity.   As Professor Giovanni said “We are Virg-inia Te-ch.”  It is not the buildings or our beautiful once serene campus, it is each and every person and how we live the rest of our lives that will “Invent the Fut-ure” and change the world one person at a time.

Marilyn Whitney

Ph.D. Candidate Virgi-nia Tech

Environment Design and Plann-ing

College of Architecture

 P.S. I send this with great trepidation because I do not want the media to contact me to get the full story.  This is the full story.  Please media do not attempt to contact me, because I have said all I need to about this subject.

 

I am off to Memphis University... tomorrow night after class, I am heading to the airport.  I have the interview all Tuesday and then come home Tuesday night... I am tired just thinking about it.  Hope your day will be fine tomorrow. 

 

I tried to relax today... I went for a walk with Kristin... then relaxed on my deck reading... I took a nap and remembered that I needed to write the test I am giving my students on Wednesday.  Luke and Ellen came over for dinner, we ate out on the deck.  It was a great day.    

 

Love and kisses, Marilyn

 

Sunday morning on the sofa.  At least Su-nday Mor-ning is not actiing like a ... they just said massacure overload has set in... I sure hope so.  I sure hope so, we need to be left alone to grieve.  

 

Yesterday I called my step-father.  I have been estranged from my parents for over ten years, but I felt that he needed to hear my voice to know that I was okay from all the events of last week.  He had left two messages on my answering machine while I was gone.  He knew I was okay because I had called my cousin and knew he would tell him.

 

I have truly amazed myself that I finally told him why I have only seen them a four times in ten years.  He actually thought it was something stupic and I could no longer hold my tongue.  I felt good that I was relatively gentle for telling him that he and my mother maniuplated their children as adults so that our mental health and our marriages suffered greatly at their mechinations.  I even told him that I wanted to tell them this ten years ago and my sister Marcii told me not to send the letter... because it would only give them weapons to use against me.  And that their children were afraid of the pain that they have and could inflict.   

 

It was so bad for all of us that I was the only child that went to my mother's funeral.  My brother, older sister, and brother-in-law of my dead sister Marci did not go. In addition, my brother has been homeless for the last 12 years.  

 

I talked to my step father for over an hour and I could tell he did not want to hang up.  He said that I gave him a lot to think of, but I know that is probably just talk because he has always known what to say, that is how they manipulated us so well.  I was so proud of myself that I could tell him what was a very emotional topic.  I did not yell, I did not try to assess blame, but instead I laid out what they did and how that affected us, my aunt and uncle, my mother's cousin, my sister Marci and her husband, my older sister, my brother and even his kids, my husband and I.  

 

I think that it was the peace I have found in the last four years at Vir-ginia Tec-h, that allowed me to be able to do this.. And the events at V-T this week gave me the opening to tell him how much he and my mother hurt their family.  I do not even expect anything to change, I don't want any thing from him, which he does not begin to understand.  But this non confrontation confrontation gave me so much peace...

 

I do think that it is my own loving spirit... that I talked about earilier this week that was my response to the insanity of Munich and now to the events of this week on campus... that let me open the door to allow him into my life for at least on hour.  Demonstrates my growth...  and my ability to my protect of my own essence, so that I could let down the barriers. 

 

Well that is all for now... Love and kisses, Marilyn

 

 

         

Okay I am fine... really I am...

 

This moring I Kristin up to go to Katya's birthday party.  We were kind of slow moving... we finally mosied to the park together a little late... but there with gifts and...  on the way to the park we stopped for a birthday card, breakfast and Krisitn purchased silly balloon that had El-mo singing happy birthday.  Every time we went over a bump... and there seemed to be a lot of them the balloon started singing... We were laughing that Elizabeth would hate us after a few minutes with the darn thing... So we drive up to the park balloon in toe.  No Elizabeth, no Katya... no car, no party in sight.  I call Elizabeth on her cell phone and she answers that she is on South Beach... (I am thinking oh has she changed the party to a restaurant I haven't heard of...)  No Marilyn, the party is next week.   She is Maimi with her in laws... Maimi whiling away the morning with sand on her and Katyas toes...    Hmmm sounds great!

 

Yes sir... I am okay... I am a Hokie dookie okayie... Anyone can make that mistake right?... thank you for being understanding...  or at least pretending that you are understanding... If you can't laugh at yourself life is not worth living.  Hope your day is good our weather here is finally beautiful.  We still have the party to look forward to next weekend. 

 

Love and kisses, Marilyn

I would love to say that I am sitting on my sofa with a cup of coffee watching the morning news... but the TV is shut off.  Now that I am home I cannot stand the constant drumming of the media... squezzing every dollar they can out of someone else's agony.  Things on campus are so much the same... and oh so different.  It is funny that while I was in Savannah, on my job interview, I could not stop watching TV to be connected with my home... but being back home, to this insanity... I cannot watch the speculation and inuendo... and frankly the dollars ringing on the cash register.  

 

I wish the media would just go away and leave us alone to lick our wounds and get on with our lives.  Ah but that is a story too... don't cha know... 

 

I woke up early this morning and got up on a Saturday before 7:00.  Have something to write about all this and it would not let me stay in bed.  Hope your day is good.  I will try to write more later.  Love and kisses, Marilyn

Tao asked how do we cope with something like this... Your request made me cry. We do... we just do.

 

Boy my spelling is going to be terrrible.  Sorry I am tried and my fingers have a mind of their own.  At 22, I was at the Muni-ch Olym-pics when the 11 athletes were murdered by terriorists.  I felt that the world had come to and end.  Certainly the Olym-pics would never be the same.  I was married in Munich three days later and it was covered by the press as a life goes one story.  But the world for me was never the same.  It was a threatening place, where things cannot be counted on. 

 

Life continued and we became used to the changes.  The changes in the world the changes in ourselves.  But the feeling that we were not in control stuck with us.  I say us because my husband also went though this. 

 

Suggestions for coping... Just take one thing at a time, take one step and then another.  Things will get better...  no actually we will get used to the new reality of our lives.  The world has changed this week, we will adjust and pulling together helps a lot.

 

For me, rather than allowing the anger and feelings of vulvernability rule my life.  I dedicated myself to making a difference to everyone that I touched.  One person at a time... My colleagues, my students, my clients, my friends and my family.  As the grief and horror began to pass...  I slowly built my life upon a positive energy filled with loving acceptance of others.  While at school, I have always told my professors when they did a great lecture or class.  I always say hello to people and smile at them.  I am a positive influence in the classroom for my students (not even able to critique their work like I should because I cannot inflict pain). I always take time to talk to people and listen closely to what they say and what they don't say.  I tell them things I have gone through to help them see that they are not alone... I do it one person at a time.  As all my friends know I try to always be there for for any thing they might  need.  

 

These are my coping mechnisms to deal with the the insanity that life can be.  One of the many reasons my friends are so important to me.  I hope that this helps anyone that has to cope with insanity in their lives.  It is one of the way I cope with the terrors of the unknown. 

 

Love and kisses, Marilyn 

I can't believe how many typos I had in last nights post.  The sentiments are still true.  I was very tired last night.  I am tired again tonight, I will try to write more tomorrow. 

 

I went to campus this afternoon as soon as I got off of the plane.  It was so moving to be there.  It was drizzeling which met with my mood.  It was so amazing because the campus looked so much the same, but it was different... Still filled with TV trucks... and reporters casting for new subjects for their media obsession.  I walked over to where the murdered were listed, even though I have searcdhed the internet I still have not seen the whole list, but there were people three deep infront of the one list, so I gave up and wandered back. 

 

I walked by a student (looked international) with a man in a business suit.  The student gave me this wild look, as I walked by I heard the suit spouting Christianity, never even taking a breath.  I hope that the student had asked for the lecture... that is what it was in no way was it interactive, it looked to me as if he wanted to get away... I felt bad that I did not step up and see if he was okay.  Sometimes people trying to be helpful can just be intrusive.  

 

I went to the architecture building and hugged anyone I knew in the building...  It was great to see people.  Most of the students I talked to are so angry about the press.  They are making things so much worse.  It is time to leave us alone.   

 

Love and kisses, Marilyn    

I have never been prouder to be a student at Virginia Tech.  I saw my friend Kenny May consoling and being consoled by the parents of one of his friends.  I saw him on TV last night too.  The senselessness of these murders seems to be exerzasserbated by the media who insists that someone beyond the gunman must be to blame.  The university, the police, the president of the university, why not fate or the Gods or some other inpentretable force.  

 

The people of Virigina Tech like our poet lauret say... no, it could not be helped.  Somewhere personal liberties clash with protection of society, but our country stands that no one is judged until proven guilty of an act.  We would not want to live in a society where we put someone in jail for thinking about doing something terrible.  No one excepted this troubled kid to take two guns and go kill total strangers.  Do we allow this to change our lives on campuses across the country I sure hope not.   I am here at Savannah and they have security at all of thier buildings, but the kid was a student and he would have been let into the buildings.  You cannot wall out crazies when they walk amoung us.  And we certainly don't want to condemn the most creative of us, to tread that find edge of sanity... Our poet lauret said it so well tonight on La-rry Ki-ng and he did not understand for a minute because he had his own adgenda.

 

I am poud to be a Hokie tonight.  And Friday I will ware the Orange and burgundy supporting my school.  We welcome everyone to join us is soluting a wonderful univesity that has a terrible blot on it reputation.  Wear Oragne and burgundy on Friday in support and confort of 26,000 grieving students and thousand of alumni. 

 

Love and kisses, Marilyn  

My interviews today, I think went really well.  I had breakfast with the dean.  It was nice and she was very frank and so was I which was really nice.  I have a lot of energy and am not willing to mask that any more.  So I need to go somewhere that I can be appreciated and not threatening... hmmmm  Then I was interviewed by personnel and three of the interior design teachers.  Again it seemed to go well.  Then I did an teaching exercise with students and some of the faculty.  They seemed to like my interactive presentation on the parameters of sustainablity in relation to material selection with the students.  The students started out hesitent and then they started opening up.  They laughed when I was trying to be funny which was a relief... it was fun and engaging.  After my lecture I showed them student work from VT.  They especially asked about techniques the students used.  We went over about twenty minutes which I think was a good thing. 

 

Once that was over I got a tour of the building.  Then I walked back to my hotel.  I went to the pool and relaxed... Had to get away the from the TV.  C-NN is always on.  and I needed a break but when I am in the room I have to have it on.  Monica took me out to dinner and I went to her house to tour it.  She built it in the last year.  It was fun to see it.    

 

I am still trying to process the events.  I think I need to turn it off... now and read.  I am sure when I get home and am less busy I will be able to process better.   I am tired and think I will go to bed.  Take care, Love and kisses, Marilyn

 

  

I think... I am sort of doing this as line of consciousness... just thoughts and feelings about the events on campus yesterday.  My way of dealing with it.  I do not think that I am as devasted as this may sound... This is not the first time I have dealth with this kind of event.  I was at Muncih in 1972... and at that time I was insulated by getting married three days later... Today I am insulated by going on a job interview.  But....

 

The blizzard of emails that I have been getting really bring home how many connections I have out in the world.  It more than anything brings home how terrible the events of yesterday were.  While I was not on campus and in no way in danger, but the impact of the murders reverberate through the psyche.  Part of it is denial that this could not possible happen at the beautiful peaceful sereen campus where I go to school.  It is not possible to have something like this happen.  Part of it is life goes on... to teach at another local university when I did not know the extend of the damage, makes me feel weird, that I didn't cancel class.  One of the other instructors had the TV on after I finished teaching, but there is no way I could have done that... I focused my lecture and closed out the rest... and last night I felt bad of that.  I need to give myself a break about doing that and go on.  It is weird about what the mind does.

 

Then after class I went from school to home made a couple phone calls to people who would worry.  Then I drove to the airport while at the airport I finally got on line to let people know by email that I was okay.  It still had not sunk in.  Once I got into Savannah I finally was able to see the television and understand the extent of the damage.  And that is when it began to sink in.  Keeping moving is really important to not let the impact catch up with you. 

 

Another defence mechinism is focusing on what I need to do today and tomorrow... Part of me is so glad to not be on campus today.  It keeps one from being so involved.  Today I will try to focus on my future life rather than focusing on the loss and vulnerability we all feel.  Life is so complicated and as I said yesterday... I learned early on that things can change in an instant... which is why you hear me say, I love you a lot.  I never want to regret not saying that to someone you love... So.. I love you, Marilyn     

Well I made it to Savannah.  Late, but ready for tomorrow, I think.  In a way it was really nice to be away from the TV.  It is hard to deal with something so close.  It is easier to be focused on something else.  Hope your have a wonderful day tomorrow.  Love and kisses, Marilyn